I love animals, but admittedly I don’t know much about them. That being said, today, I thought it would be nice to post a guest blog by someone well versed in Alternative Animal Science. He is pursuing a degree in the field at the prestigious College University located in Place, Other Bigger Place. Meet soon-to-be-doctor, Oliver Burrows.
Not many people are familiar with the following animals but I will attempt to give some information that will allow you to impress your friends and give some insight into their behaviour and origins.
Name: Spikey Boii
Alternative Names: Mr Spikes, Spikey Lee, Prickles McGee, Steven.
Food: Cocktail sausages and grapes
Habitat: Balloon pits, swimming pool changing rooms and children’s parties.
Appearance: Said to resemble an unshaven hedgehog. Looks like a cactus shaped hedgehog. A big hedgehog. Like a hedgehog mixed with a beaver and a hairbrush.
Mythology: One day back in the day a pineapple fell asleep under the stars. An inquisitive piglet crawled inside to protect himself from the cold. He liked it so much that the fairy king Ligeino allowed him to keep it on himself as part of his being, always.
Personality: A badass. Doesn’t take nothing from no-one. Hates the colour lilac.
Sounds: Squeaks like hamster, grunts like a pig. Can sing soulful Jazz on request.
Name: Evil Birdman
Alternative Names: Honker Dude, Loud Honker, Lord of Darkness, The Bread Winner
Food: Children, bread, children with bread, grass, rabbits and seaweed.
Habitat: Anywhere with ducks. Occasionally seen in the sky heading towards the nearest fire station.
Appearance: A big duck. Teeth. Demonspawn from hell.
Mythology: A bird so angry and fearsome that not even hades himself would dare touch it. Evil Birdman was mad angry according to The Aztecs after the chief priest told them that they were due to win a big prize if they transferred him $10,000 to buy bread for his village. He then ran away. Evil Birdman has hated man ever since and eats all bread to recuperate the lost money.
Personality: Evil. Angry. Mad. Obnoxious. Arrogant. Takes no prisoners. They enjoy Sunday morning television.
Name: Meaty Milk Bag
Alternative Names: Udderguy, Moo Moo, Big Dog, Seasonal Horse.
Food: Concrete, all forms of grass, loose pebbles, paracetamol and sometimes bats.
Habitat: Inside and outside.
Appearance: Although perfectly camouflaged in grass these seldom seen creatures only come in 2 colours. Green and not green.
Mythology: For millennium people had wanted to have a new food group that many were allergic to or that could replace the water they were using to make their cereal edible and not a stodgy mess in their mouths. An Inuit hunter named Kinlonsma stumbled upon a migrating herd of these beautiful animals deep in the Alaskan tundra and purely by accident, tripped upon a rock and landed with his mouth open around the animal’s teet upon which he drew breath and, inadvertently, consumed the animals milk. Those that witnessed the event say he didn’t trip at all, a view Kinlonsma argued against until his death.
Personality: A gambler, often racks up huge debts. Enjoys fine china. Willing to stand and be milked in exchange for absorbing part of a human’s soul. Unpopular amongst reptiles.
Sounds: Able to use hi pitch echolocation in order to track their main food source of bats. They also moo.
Thank you for taking the time to read about these 3 rare and mysterious animals. I hope this guide was informative and gives you a better understanding of the beautiful world we live in and the wonderful creatures that inhabit it.