Time is strange. I’m sure that the most stable of us find time to be metronomic – wake up, tick, eat breakfast, tick, drop off the kids, tick. Something measurable that tells you where you are, where you need to be.
Not so for me – it jumps, it freezes, gaps widen, and sometimes it disappears. I can’t believe it has been a week since I made the decision to make some pretty drastic health and behavior changes. Although it feels too soon to tell, I can say that progress has been made. In fact, quite a bit of progress has been made.
Not surprisingly, after two days of eating intuitively, not using either bodyweight or food scale, and not measuring myself with a tape measure, I dug the tape measure out of the closet. I was scared that my waist had grown since the start of eating intuitively. And I was right! It did. Immediately I felt a wash of confusion and panic.
“Have I been eating too much?”
“How big is my waist going to get?”
“Should I just go back to counting and measuring, so I can lose this weight?”
Thankfully, that only lasted for a couple minutes before I stopped myself. My more reasonable side reassured me (admittedly still with a negative, image-obsessed focus) that I had just eaten breakfast so that was likely the cause of the increase in size. I threw the measuring tape in the trash. It can’t be in my home – I will keep digging it out of the closet.
A couple more days passed, and then I had a sudden feeling that I had lost some weight. It excited me, so I dug my scale out of the closet. Stepping on, I knew that I didn’t want to be doing what I was doing and that it served no purpose other than to validate wrong feelings. I stayed on anyway, staring at the screen that would tell me if I had earned this feeling of lost weight or if it was imagined.
I had earned the feeling, according to my imaginary rules. Lost some indiscernible amount of weight that could have been anything, yet I kept the scale out because who doesn’t like feeling good about themselves, if only for one moment?
Last weekend I intended to send the scale home with my parents, but I forgot. I do step on it each morning, and have for the past 3 days. I am eating intuitively and exercising as much as I want to, which is great. I am very proud of myself for this week – looking forward to another, and another.
Perhaps this week I will get rid of the scale. We lie to ourselves. The lies I tell myself are convincing to me.
“The scale was 50 dollars, you should use it.”
“You are far from being underweight, it will not hurt you to try to lose weight.”
“Weighing yourself will help you make sure you are truly eating intuitively.”
Internal dialougue is everything. It shapes who we are, and shapes our relationships with the world around us. If you are always arguing with yourself, convincing yourself that you need to make some external change to be as valuable as possible, you will get good at lying to yourself.
For this coming week, I will continue to try my best. It is well worth it.
Have a good week, everyone!