Sometimes I struggle with how transparent I’d like to be. I ask myself many questions: What is there to gain by being more transparent? What are the repercussions of sharing too much? Will I be worse off than I am now if I divulge?
There are no real answers to any of those questions. Only speculations, worries, and endless self-doubt. I am becoming less and less interested in these musings the older I get. The main focus for me these days is health and maintenance of quality of life.
On the outside, it might not look so bad. And really, I suppose it isn’t so bad. I maintain my career, have two pets, loving family, fiance, and an apartment of my own. Of course, the full picture isn’t always so clear. This week has been a test.
Despite the test, I scrape by thanks to maintaining some level of routine in my life. Exercise, healthy cooking, a good dose of coffee and relaxation – these fill the time adequately and after this week is through, who knows, maybe I will feel much better.
During these weeks and sometimes months of difficult to manage mental health struggles, passage of time is all we have. It can seem very grim and worrying to an outsider who has never been depressed – to think a smiley, giggly woman’s most recent internet search was about suicide by salt. To be fair, I learned some interesting things that day.
Days have blurred together, yet my thoughts and plans remain cogent somehow. The level of frustration I experienced on my day off, battling with my emotions, was unreal. I’ve never paced so much in my life. But hey, I did quite a lot that day. For that, I feel better.
I remember years ago when those days would hit me – my coping mechanisms were unhealthy. I used food and technology as a pacifier, which only made other problems worse. Now I have come to learn that acceptance, hard as it may be, is the only thing that will help me to change from the inside out.
I am beginning to learn that I am my own best support, and it makes me feel both proud and alienated. That said, onto better things this week – a continued attempt to maintain solid routines, focus on self-care, and enjoyment of family around the holidays.
Attached is a picture of me, in my nightly routine upon arrival home. I often take multiple pictures of myself to scrutinize different features, thanks to my body dysmorphia. Yes, this is a distressing disorder to have. Yes, the mirror is dirty. I am also out of toilet paper, what else is new? Time to write a list.
Have a good week, everyone.